The arc of history bends towards justice

i need a miracle

Tue, 13 Jun 2006 17:18:19 GMT

oh PLEASE Lord give me this house........i need peace of mind and this place would do it.

*happy thoughts my way*

damn I want to go back to the mountains

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 16:00:24 GMT

I felt so free when I was camping......so distant from solving other people's problems and even solving my own. I have come to realize that certain people feed off of drama. ALmost to the point where if there was no drama or issues intangled in their lives....they probably commit suicide. Some people seem to draw to problems in order to have something to talk about....then come to you (or in this case me) and want a hand at guidence. I don't sugarcoat shit. If someone has enough faith in me to not only muster enough strength to explain their most humbling elements to me....i feel it is my duty to tell them objectively what I see and feel about their decisions and their directions. When you constantly turn left....no matter what the choices may offer......and you either end up exactly in the same place where you were before OR end up hitting a brick wall.........don't come bitch to me about your fucking issues. Life is surrounded by choices......and most indiviudal choices are made with free will. There isn't an enity holding a gun to your head yelling at you to make this choice verses that choice.....so when you continue to make stupid fucking decisions.......don't get pissed when I call you out on your own stupidity. Again I don't and will not sugarcoat. I consider that to be a hinderance to whatever issues and or problem your facing. I think our country's citizens get so caught up in being politically correct that we leave realness by the wasteside. I am not perfect....and would never claim to be.......i don't always make the right decisions....and sometimes make decisions in haste......what I do not do is bitch when I have made some fucked up decision. I am not a lemming who naturally gravitates to death decisions. Some people will never get it....and my patience is running low.....

On another note...my laptop is all fucked up. dell actually is sending a tech to come to my work to fix my ac power supply and my mother board. I think companies like dell bank on the fact that their products are made to break and eventually die. The bank on the fact that you as the consumer are not going to buy that extra insurance and instead have to either choose between spending money out of pocket to fix the problem OR (what they hope you'll do) go back to dell and buy another piece of hardware.

So in October I think I am going to make it a point to travel back to Hawaii. The way meghan talks about Paris is how I feel about my islands. I miss the smells, the weather, the people....and ofocurse the most gorgeous ocean I have ever seen. My aunt is trying to schedule a trip out there in October...so I told her to count Jamie and I in.

Anyhow I am off to work....

oh my gosh

Mon, 22 May 2006 15:25:40 GMT

3 tickets to a groundation show: $60.00
10 beers, three cocktails, and eight waters: $145.00
chilling with three of my bestfriends on a lifeguard tower at the beach like an expisode of OC at 3:00a after a groundation show........
absolutely priceless

i have no energy, my knees feel like I played 6 soccer games in a row, my body is running off og 2 hours of sleep but I wouldn't trade anything for what i witnessed last night.

8 and 4 minutes till bed time

hmmm

Thu, 18 May 2006 21:54:40 GMT

the more i know.....the more unattractive they become

not that i am any better but...

Wed, 17 May 2006 17:36:15 GMT

FUck! some people in my immediate life make the dumbest choices. I swear its like they have ocd and always have to walk through door #1 and realizes there are 50 fucking doors to choose from. My gosh I need a break. i think i become so attached to THEIR issues that they become issues of my own. Its like I absorb them as they are being told to me and feel indebted to fix them. I had a crazy conversation with someone yesterday that lasted an hour and took me on an emotionaly journey I have not been on in awhile. Again the choices that people feel they have or warped. I don't understand why folks are so quick to get married and then realize that marriage might not have been the option that was best. I have been with my lady for 6 years and seriously am in NO rush to tie the knot. The sacrament of marriage is something i completely value and will NEVER become forced or swayed to do so in order to...appease a situation.

On a better note...it was kewl to kick it with my friend Aja yesterday. Boy has she evolved over the last 6-7 years. The earthy, hippie, amateur model has morphed into a working woman who paints her nails, and get pedicures and wears high heels and shit. LOL she's special though. I miss our smoke sessions across the street from the mall on our breaks.

4 more days to groundation yea!

its only 2:30p

Tue, 16 May 2006 21:36:19 GMT

jesus this day is dragging on!

oh its tuesday

Tue, 16 May 2006 15:45:11 GMT

so before I left work yesterday I was starting to post something then was rudely disturbed by another's presence. Anyhow my ending thought yesterday was on stimulation. I don't think I get enough of that. I don;t think I get challenged enough.....whether it's work, or home, or friendships, or whatever. Well...friendships over the last two years have definately been challenging so I will take that out of the loop......but work.....I mean I show up...do NOTHING and sit here. I know I have more to offer some company than what I do here. I have tried, pleaded , and begged for extra ways to earn money within this company and nothing ever comes of it. yesterday I rationalized it had to be a color thing. I am not the type of person who pulls the color card very often or at all even but over the last 6 years of being here.....things just kind of fit into the mold of....hold the brown guy down. I told another co-worker about my thoughts and she was amazed. But coming from her...given her..."perks" within our office I am not sure she would be best to understand. I have had opportunities land in my lap....potentially sucessful challeneges.......for them only to ripped away within a couple of months. The reasons that have been given for these opportunities leaving me have been so stupid. And I use stupid loosely. Don;t come to a person who is intelligent, bright, savy, and quick witted with some bullshit ass reason to take away potentially great projects. So anyhow it is tuesday and nothing is really going on. I am still kinda worn out from Grey's Anatomy last night. I am going to see one of my bestfriends tonight Aja. She is going to Europe on Thursday for 2 weeks. Our relationship is kinda on the odd side now a days. We used to be a lot closer.....i think with age....and with existing relationships...the casualties usually are our friends. She is one of the few though that I trust and love completely. She is a soul WAY before her time. For being as young as she is.....she amazes me with her intelect and wisdom. Not to mention she is hot as all hell. I met her at the same time I met my gf. She had a shaved head when I met her which i think is sexy as all hell. There are only a select group of women that can rock a shaved head....and wholly hell she is one of them. I need to buy my tix to Oregon....and I am dregging this wedding. BUT groundation is only 5 days away....gotta stay out of trouble though!

what a fucking weekend

Mon, 15 May 2006 15:45:04 GMT

So yeah between installing a stereo system in the gf car and feeling slightly pissed that is was as appreciated as I felt I should have been...it was a crazy weekend.

Had a dream I was on a field trip to mars....then zoomed to NY for New Years while these idiots were begging to use my cell phone...

Mom came down for facials, massages and a womens health expo...needless to say I didn't see her.

My grandmother is driving my aunt crazy....and I feel helpless to help

This summer is going to be an expensive traveling summer I have come to figure out...between buying a house, traveling, and the just added extended weekend on a 56 foot houseboat....i am super broke.

I am SUPER excited for this weekend and next weekend. Groundation is coming to town and it should be an ire concert with GREAT friends THEN.......i am going camping. despite hating my father for most of my life...on of the few things he instilled in me was a love for the out doors and I always plan two all male camping trips. The first is in two weeks. I need to solice, the quiet, the sun, the river, and my doobie. Can't wait.

Bought three new cd's on itunes. Fort Minor...excellent.... MIKE is an engineering GENIUS and Flyleaf.....she puts that bitch in evanecence to shame..

now back to bordom

it must be a lyric day for me

Fri, 12 May 2006 18:35:58 GMT

I have my ipod of shuffle which about 25,000 songs so all these memories come back when another song is played. Anyhow this next song will forever remind me of Rob. Yopu were a soldier while you were here...I know you are missed and loved by all those that you came in contact with. RIP
Christmas Song :DM live at Luther College
She was his girl; he was her boyfriend
She be his wife; take him as her husband
A surprise on the way, any day, any day
One healthy little giggling dribbling baby boy
The wise men came three made their way
To shower him with love
While he lay in the hay
Shower him with love love love
Love love love
Love love is all around
Not very much of his childhood was known
Kept his mother Mary worried
Always out on his own
He met another Mary for a reasonable fee, less than
Reputable as known to be

His heart was full of love love love
Love love love
Love love is all around
When Jesus Christ was nailed to the his tree
Said "oh, Daddy-o I can see how it all soon will be
I came to shed a little light on this darkening scene
Instead I fear I spill the blood of my children all around"

The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children all around
So the story goes, so I’m told
The people he knew were
Less than golden hearted
Gamblers and robbers
Drinkers and jokers, all soul searchers
Like you and me

Rumors insisited he soon would be
For his deviations
Taken into custody by the authorities
Less informed than he.
Drinkers and jokers. all soul searchers
Searching for love love love
Love love love
Love love is all around

Preparations were made
For his celebration day
He said "eat this bread and think of it as me
Drink this wine and dream it will be
The blood of our children all around
The blood of our children all around"
The blood of our children all around

Father up above, why in all this anger have you fill
Me up with love
Fill me love love love
Love love love
Love love
And the blood of our children all around

i owe my LIFE to this song

Fri, 12 May 2006 17:29:35 GMT

This track....got me and continues to get me through some of the roughest periods of my life. It does what music is supposed to do...takes your mind, heart and soul on a journey. Forever indepted to Mos, Kweli, and Common for this track. On a gloomy day like today. I need to ride that L..to the 2

What'd you do last night?"
"We did umm, two whole cars
It was me, Dez, and Main Three right?
And on the first car in small letters it said
'All you see is..' and then you know
big, big, you know some block silver letters
that said '..crime in the city' right?"
"It just took up the whole car?"
"Yeah yeah, it was a whole car and shit..."

[spanish speaking woman] Escuchela.. la ciudad respirando
(translation of spanish: Listen to it.. the city breathing)

* woman repeats 3X *

[spanish speaking woman] Escuchela..

[Mos Def]
The new moon rode high in the crown of the metropolis
Shinin, like who on top of this?
People was tusslin, arguin and bustlin
Gangstaz of Gotham hardcore hustlin
I'm wrestlin with words and ideas
My ears is picky, seekin what will transmit
the scribes can apply to transcript, yo
This ain't no time where the usual is suitable
Tonight alive, let's describe the inscrutable
The indisputable, we New York the narcotic
Strength in metal and fiber optics
where mercenaries is paid to trade hot stock tips
for profits, thirsty criminals take pockets
Hard knuckles on the second hands of workin class watches
Skyscrapers is collosus, the cost of living
is preposterous, stay alive, you play or die, no options
No Batman and Robin, can't tell between
the cops and the robbers, they both partners, they all heartless
With no conscience, back streets stay darkened
Where unbeliever hearts stay hardened
My eagle talons STAY sharpened, like city lights stay throbbin
You either make a way or stay sobbin, the Shiny Apple
is bruised but sweet and if you choose to eat
You could lose your teeth, many crews retreat
Nightly news repeat, who got shot down and locked down
Spotlight to savages, NASDAQ averages
My narrative, rose to explain this existance
Amidst the harbor lights which remain in the distance

So much on my mind that I can't recline
Blastin holes in the night til she bled sunshine
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline
Heard the bass ride out like an ancient mating call
I can't take it y'all, I can feel the city breathin
Chest heavin, against the flesh of the evening
Sigh before we die like the last train leaving

[Talib Kweli]
Breathin in deep city breaths, sittin on shitty steps
we stoop to new lows, hell froze the night the city slept
The beast crept through concrete jungles
communicatin with one another
And ghetto birds where waters fall
from the hydrants to the gutters
The beast walk the beats, but the beats we be makin
You on the wrong side of the track, lookin visibly shaken
Taken them plungers, plungin to death that's painted by the numbers
with Krylon applied pressure, cats is playin God
but havin children by a lesser baby mother but fuck it
we played against each other like puppets, swearin you got pull
when the only pull you got is the wool over your eyes
Gettin knowledge in jail like a blessing in disguise
Look in the skies for God, what you see besides the smog
is broken dreams flying away on the wings of the obscene
Thoughts that people put in the air
Places where you could get murdered over a glare
But everything is fair
It's a paradox we call reality
So keepin it real will make you casualty of abnormal normality
Killers Born Naturally like, Mickey and Mallory
Not knowing the ways'll get you capped like an NBA salary
Some cats be emceeing to illustrate what we be seeing
Hard to be a spiritual being when shit is shakin what you believe in
For trees to grow in Brooklyn, seeds need to be planted
I'm asking if y'all feel me AND THE CROWD LEFT ME STRANDED
My blood pressure boiled and rose, cause New York niggaz
actin spoiled at shows, to the winners the spoils go
I take the L, transfer to the 2, head to the gates
New York life type trife the Roman Empire state

[Mos Def and crew]
So much on my mind I just can't recline
Blastin holes in the night til she bled sunshine
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline
Yo don't the bass ride out like an ancient mating call
I can't take it y'all, I can feel the city breathin
Chest heavin, against the flesh of the evening
Sigh before we die like the last train leaving

[spanish speaking woman] Escuchela.. respirando ??

[Common]
Yo...on The Amen, Corner I stood lookin at my former hood
Felt the spirit in the wind, knew my friend was gone for good
Threw dirt on the casket, the hurt, I couldn't mask it
Mixin down emotions, struggle I hadn't mastered
I coreograph seven steps to heaven
And hell, waiting to exhale and make the bread leavened
Veteran of a cold war It's Chica-I-go for
What I know or, what's known
So some days I take the bus home, just to touch home
From the crib I spend months gone
Sat by the window with a clutched dome listenin to shorties cuss long
Young girls with weak minds, but they butt strong
Tried to call, or at least beep the Lord, but didn't have a touch-tone
It's a dog-eat-dog world, you gotta mush on
Some of this land I must own
Outta the city, they want us gone
Tearin down the 'jects creatin plush homes
My circumstance is between Cabrini and Love Jones
Surrounded by hate, yet I love home
Ask my God how he thought travellin the world sound
Found it hard to imagine he hadn't been past downtown
It's deep, I heard the city breathe in its sleep
Of reality I touch, but for me it's hard to keep
Deep, I heard my man breathe in his sleep
Of reality I touch, but for me it's hard to keep

[Mos Def and crew]
So much on my mind I just can't recline
Blastin holes in the night til she bled sunshine
Breathe in, inhale vapors from bright stars that shine
Breathe out, weed smoke retrace the skyline
Yo how the bass ride out like an ancient mating call
I can't take it y'all, I can feel the city breathing
Chest heavin, against the flesh of the evening
Kiss the Ide's goodbye, I'm on the last train leaving

tool for the moment

Wed, 10 May 2006 19:56:36 GMT

I spend my days in this haze....as if nothing around me really matters
Sometimes I spend my moments in deep thought
trying to figure out better ways to do things or say things
But....
today......

I feel like a tool for the moment

like that screw driver you only take out when you buy things from IKEA

Or that baseball glove that you only use when attending a ball game

I AM NOT A TOOL

I give too much
feel too much
dream too much

Fuck being a tool

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 06:03:15 GMT

What a fucking week. Forget a wekk what a fucking last couple of days. For real I have been through a worldwind of emotions in the last forty eight hours. I think sleep deprevation has really thrown my mind into a different gear as well. None the less it has been a crazy couple of days. Inside my own relationship, which i usually refrain from mentioning on here, I have come to some........crazy conclusions. I am not going to get into to them but....today specifically was dominaed by thoughts and conclusions about my own relationship. Life is hard......and I seem to have a hard time with choices. I don't know. I shoudl eb studying for this test right now, but concentrating on anything other than the sound of the keyboard pieces move up and down and my fingers type...........seems too difficult. Well i had an amazing 48 hours with one of my bestest friends in the whole world. I have come to realize that perfection comes in many forms....and from different states. I was amazed, nervous, excited, awed, sad, emotional, all at the same time. It is impossible to make up nine years of time in 10 hours. I really is and I think that hurt the most..........i have various people in my life today that i love dearly and would do anything for but I think I have taken forgranted their presence. There alot to be said about contact, face to face interaction, smell, hugs, smiles, laughter...everything. The hardest part is not knowing when I am going to see or rather experience that again. I don't know. Anyhow I better get back to the books. alohas to all and especially to NugA

Fri, 19 Nov 2004 00:19:18 GMT

What is Love

My love exists in a small dark drench few ever grasp
and hidden for only one to find,
Love can be as simple as a smile and as complicated as an insecure emotion,
Love is small in action but large in intention ,
Love is filled with words but can be expressed in silence,
Love is watching the stars on a moonlit night
Or long walks down the block,
Love is a struggle,
Love is easy in triumph and comforting in defeat,
Love is a hug on a shitty day or a passionate kiss on an amazing afternoon,
Love is music; a form of expression that is not defined by any one language,
Love is fluent motion displayed in a wink,
Love is being afraid to be alone and longing to be missed,
Love is combined aspirations and infinite dreams,
Love is a collective compromise,
Love is anger and confusion,
Love is all your energy harnessed to a achieve a greater purpose,
Love is food for the soul and liquid for the heart,
Love is acting a fool and feeling lost for your inaccuracies,
Love is sitting by the fire on a rainy day,
Love is opening the door or ordering last,
Love is quality time spent and love made,
Love is a candlelit evening spent on floor,
Love is communication,
Love is speaking your mind even when the one you love doesn’t want to hear,
Love is listening and understanding,
Love is random,
Love is note left on your car or a sweet message left on your answer machine,
Love is a healer of pains,
Love is a spark in the dark,
Love is last in thoughts but first in hierarchy,
Love is spoken often but felt always,
Love is an embrace or a pat on the back,
Love is cuddling on a cold night or a cooling breeze on a hot day,
Love is bound by no chains and completely unconstrained,
Love is you,
Love is me,
Love is us
Love is together…….
Forever

Yeah its friday.

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 15:58:47 GMT

Its been a week to say the least but it is over. So yesterday, during my bordom hour at work, I was reading about the new Forbes 400 list. I was pretty interested to see who was on the list and who wasn't. One thing that has got me stumped is the fact that forbes mentioned more people asserted themselves into the billionare club than ever before. While I, as well as many Americans, struggle with daily bills, basic living situations and basic life, Bill Gates adds another 4 billion to his net worth. In order for our country to truly thrive, it would only seem rationale to think that we should be increasing the number of poverty into the middle class club instead of the millionaries into the billionare club. WE have been in an economic recession for forever yet the rich still remain very rich AND are getting richer. The top three people on the forbes list are the partners of Microsoft. How, in the matter of 15 years, they went from struggling college students to billionares is crazy to me. Or how a company like walmart, in the matter of 6 years grows from three stores to hundreds and trillions of dollars in gross profit. The owners of walmart by the way are all tied for 4th. I do agree with hard work and am a firm beleiver in acheievement but NOT at the expense of others.....or at the expense of the majority of the population...THE POOR! I don't understand how people rationalize greedy behavior. Just becaus eyou donate 10 million dollars to the united way or cancer research center doesn't make your riches any more valuable than my 5 dollar bill in my back pocket. I know sucess is in my future...not sure exactly how its going to come but I know it will be there.

Whata fucking weekend

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 23:15:11 GMT

So yeah I got the truck and it is quite beautiful I might say. I am nervous about the payments.....and all the money it cost as so forth but I am glad I got it. SO this weekend we had the fight at our apartment. WE got 13 lbs of carne asada, a keg of dos X X and about 30 friends. Way to many people I might add as well. I really don't want to explain everything bit by bit but FUCK drama. If people can't accpet life for life with the inclusion of fucking drama then they honestly need to burn in H E double hockey sticks. FOr real. Sometimes the opposite sex amazes me. Granted we are biological, chemical, spirtuality, and personally different there are times in my day that i have to sit back and wonder where the fuck did that come from. I am not making a generalization....not all women are this way but the ones that are need to be fucked in the or something because they obvoiusly can't see and definately can't hear. So a nite that started out so awesome ended so...............fucked up. Ole well its over with and I am off to class.

Fri, 17 Sep 2004 17:57:40 GMT

Today is Friday and the weekend is going to be FULL of beer. My rommies and I are having like 25 people come over to our little apartment to watch OScar and Benard duke it out of paid per view. THEN on Sunday, my roomie and I are going to watch the Chargers stomp on the New York Jets. AND today...hopefully...I will be picking up my new truck. I a excited but apprenhensive at the same time. Can't wait to be in a new car though:) What else....hMmmm. I talk to my friend yesterday. I think my issue is that I wish that I could travel back in time to the place and times of my past. Sometimes something as simple as a voice on an answer machine can trigger things in you that only photographs can capture. Part of me has to give up.......then again I have never been a quiter and sure as hell can't see myself evolving into one now. I always set myself up for.......not failure but.....my expectations are NEVER MET. AND I HATE THAT. I guess my point about this entire situation is that I don't want to expect anything and I think I already have. I am not the cutey 16 year old I once was....thats for sure.....and as much as that voice took and takes me back to places NO ONE will ever understand there is too much to risk without certainty.

Anyhow enough of that shit. I am getting a new fucking truck. YEAH!!!!!!!! *pats himself on the back*

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 23:32:38 GMT

Today wasn't nearly as great as yesterday but I am still glowing from yesterday. Today, I want to call but at the sametime am apprehensive about calling. It was strange talking yesterday but so exciting.....now I am left with many more questions and I really want to get to together and see one another. I saved the message and as corny as it sounds...i listended to it like three times last night. Thank god I have a great fascade.......that brick stoned faced wall that in front of the childess kid that really is there...because there is no telling what would be. I text messaged them this morning to say it was wonderful hearing their voice after not having heard it for so long. I hope I get a call back. I used to spend hours...i mean hours on the phone with this person. We saw each other almost everyday when we were kids. Despite my shitty actions at times.....their heart never wavered and I could still hear it in their voice when we spoke and when they left a message. there is something to be said for loyalty. there really is.

Today has been so kewl I am not sure if I want to go to sleep

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 06:44:40 GMT

WOW. Seriously today has been quite the day. It started off with a dream. A dream to remeber actually. Nothing sexual or steamy but mroe a trip down memory lane. A trip that I think subconsciencely had been brewing in teh depth of the neurons for quite some time. I found afreidn today that I dreamt about today and the way i got in touch with them was......rather amazing to tell you the truth. I honestly miss this person in my life and to have first dreamt about them and then to have found them again was pretty kewl. To hear that voice again on my voice mail about made me die. Gave me butterflies actually. Butterflies in a none threatening to current girl firend type of way......but butterflies nonetheless. So much time in my past was spent with this person.....SO MUCH LOVE was thrown in my direction......yet so much rejection returned YET it never wavered. The doofy giggles and mind racking cnversations dominated our pasts but all it took was a dream to paint the picture once again. I FOUND HER! Seriously what the fuck. AND won the football pool all in the same day. Thank you LORD. and that is spelled with a capital "L" on purpose...LORD knows it wouldn't have happened if it weren;t for you.

"God grant me the serenity to accept this things I can not change, the courage to change this things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Thank you for showing me the courage....because it took a bunch to make those calls today and LOL I can't beleive it paid. Your back adn I aint letting you go no where again. DCG
Happy Tuesday for those that read

Thank god it's Tuesday night

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 06:17:57 GMT

What a weekend, what a shity beginning of the week. Wow. If I could only put into words what the last 4 days have ben like for me. The weekend was great but interesting at the same time. Todays adventures of work SUCKED and yes that is a capital fucking S. I am super close.....well i thought....with someone at work and for the last couple days of work (extending to last week) it has been super wierd between us both. NORmALLY I would repeatedly ask what si wrong.....subconsciencely reassuring myself that I had little if anythign to do with whatever is bothering the person...but FUCK THAT. For real. I am tired of beign that bend of\ver backwards individual...ESPECIALLY when it comes to work. I am always th eperosn who appracohes the grumpy fucker at work and trys to figure shit out or calm them down or pick up the slack. Now his person...without reason known or made known to myself...seems so distant. regardless of my new found "fuck the world attitude" it still sucks not havign that relationship. Anyhow it is super late and I realy need to get tobed. Nite

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 07:05:58 GMT

Seriously....this weekend has been like the the twilight zone. Many a Many a revelations has spun into clarity this weekend. One of which just confused me into clarification if that make any sense. Sometimes the best advise is to have ZERO expectation. Having zero expecation gets a positve reaction no matter hwo you look at it. Wow. At the same time I feel wierd because so many things seem to vibe and make sense. Seriously make sense.....then you get the curve ball?1!?!? Its all good though.

Great days ahead. Haven't smokde e grit in 6 days!

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 19:19:47 GMT

So this weekend should be interesting for me. I am going up to LA to take care of grandma. And as easy as that sounds it is a chore and a half. The taking care of part is easy....its the drive up there and the drive back that I HATE. Not to mention school starts back up on Monday, so it is going to make for a hell of a weekend. Grandmas house always takes me back. When I was a kid we (my immediate family) would all cruise over to her house and have dinner together and my aunt Andy would make some delicious desert. Laughter and stories filed the house. The smell of the smoker and barbeque filled the back yard. I miss those times. Wednesday was not only my gf and I's anniversry but also the 2 year anniversary of my grandfathers death. Since his death SO many things have changed. So many nasty personalities have come out and foul behavor has been finagled into justification. I will get a lot done. My gf got me a beat machine and I have yet to play around with it so that is a goal. Plus catching up on sleep. We (my grandmother and I) end up watching life time movies all day anyway. Couple puffs of herb and a lifetime movie makes for GREAT sleep.

In regards to my venting yesterday I think my intentions we......overstated to say the least. Being that I know no one on this fucking thing I really do use this tool as a release of sorts. It is so much easier for me to sit down and type down whatever issue(S) I am dealing with rather than to write them down. I hurt someone yesterday that I really didn;t intend to hurt at all.....and for that I apologize. My life has been one huge rollar coaster these last couple of months. So much so that its been hard to put my own emotions and reactions into not only words but coherant thoughts. I think my recourse has been to just to forget rather that deal with whats been at hand.

So anyway hopefully I will have mor to report on Sunday or Monday.

Thu, 26 Aug 2004 20:01:01 GMT

What does it really mean to avoid someone? eriously Ihave been thinking about this for awhile and I reallyc an't figure it out. is avoiding someone really about not hearing something you don't want to here or being busy or something else. I don;t think I have ever been a person to avoid anything. Especially shit I didn;t want to here. Generally speaking if I have my own opinion (s) about shit I am able to defend them even in the most aggrevating circumstances.

I thik its funny how one minute your needed and then the next your on a "to do list." So since I have been regualted to a to do list shouldn't that cause me to challenege the validity of the friendship in the first place? I think so. Atleast that is where my conscience is taking me.

You know what I hate; is when people make reference to you being a such a wonderful friend but it only seems as if your a friend when their is bullshit occuring in their life. In instance you need them, to either talk, or cry or be pissed phone calls never get called back, e-mails never get responded to, they never show up for an outing. That shit pisses me off to tell you the truth. The one thing I pride myself on is being a excellent friend. At times i htink I am a better freind that I will ever make as a husband or boyfriend for that matter.

I think I have taken more flack for the amounts of love I share to my friends *my gf's of the past and present* than I have for being a dick in a relationship.

I tired of being the shoulder that is there when "they" need the helping hand but get the bullshit I am busy excuse when you need to talk or have something to share.

Whatever, I am not bitter, I think I am just better.

that was awesome

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 22:00:34 GMT

i wish I was more active on this fucking thing because I just saw by far the cooliest thing ever on LJ. lol :) this might be the only time I ever say anything but salud to the man :)

What a day

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 06:18:06 GMT

Its been a minute since I have gotten on here and written anything. What better time than now. My thoughts are going and rampant speeds in my head. Maybe spending a few seconds to expell some the negative engery I feel into typed words will help. You know what sucks? Money does. Flat out. This time last year I was so excited that I got a raise and was moving up the financial latter of success.....only to have a years worth of more bills and bullshit basically suck that raise dry and even more in debt. Well I am not in debt per say but I sure fucking feel like it. I have been debating for awhile about approaching my boss again for more money only to muster the courage and then morph into a pussy and not say anything at all. So tomorrow morning I am going to pack myself an enourmous bowl, put a smile on my face an comfront the guy. i guess it isn't really a confrontation but a mere meeting of the minds and the check writer. I know what I deserve i just hope we get close to somthing I can live on. I hate having to confront these types of issues. For some reason when it comes to shit like this I end up cowering and that is not the person i want to be or the person I believe i am. So much has happened at work in the last two months its insane. With every change that has occuerd I have essentially swallowed all the changes and evolved with it. Whether it be picking up for the person who is out of work be he/she was too drunk to come in or just merely moving over into another department because some fucking moron couldn't figure out how to add. Point being I am tired of being the stepping stool for those who make more than me BUt also reep the benefits of my hard work. Though i am still confused as to what I want to do with my life, I am sure of he fact that I don't ever want to feel like this. This, being humbled by someone that has the power to basically say no. About a month ago I asked for mroe money with the intention that I would take over certain dutues and have certain dduties dropped from my plate. I complied a list of the different bullshit I fo now vereses the bullshit i wanted taken off my plate and persented it to the owener. At the end of the propostion was numerical amount I wanted more a month to do these things. After about 4 days of waiting for his answer, he finially answered and said no. BUT my idea eventually took shape BUT without the monetary compenasation I was after. NOW i sit here with a shit load of bills trying to rob peter to pay paul. FUCK THAT. Tomrrow is the day. I need more moeny and I needed it yesterday. We get paid on thsday and the money is gone. My rent went up, my insurance is due, my car needs to be smogged, my new tv still isn;t aid off AND my student loan doesn't arrive for antoher two weeks. FUCK I HATE MONEY. *breathe Christian* I am supposed to be studying for a spanish test tomorrow but this calculator that is sitting on top of my desk to reminds me of so much discouraging information. Well i am going to chill, lite antoher incense., ;isten to my reggae music and try to chill. PRayer woudl help from all those that care to pray for dear ole me. nite all

What a day

Wed, 11 Aug 2004 06:18:06 GMT